Fear of Death

I've been thinking about the fear that cancer invokes. Because once the diagnosis is in, once the cancer has been confirmed, once the Western medical community provides you with its diagnosis and statistics for survival, it is ultimately your decision how you will deal with your completely understandable and legitimate fears.

There is a lot to fear. Your life has just been turned upside down! Will you need surgery? Can you trust your doctor, or should you get a second opinion? Will your family and friends be able to "handle" the diagnosis? There are financial fears. There are logistical fears -- getting to and from doctor appointments, diagnostic tests, chemo sessions, and surgery. Are your "affairs" in order -- wills, trusts, bank accounts, and other assets? And the really BIG fear -- am I going to die?

November 25, 2011, the day before my 55th birthday, was the first time I heard the words "you have cancer". I went numb. Completely numb. I couldn't think. I couldn't speak. I was beyond terrified. There were so many fears running through my brain I didn't know which to address first. Over the next couple of weeks, I was able to come to terms with my diagnosis -- Stage III-A colon cancer, with a two-year window for recurrence. I also came to realize that until I made peace with the possibility of dying within the next couple of years, I would not be able to focus on survival.

If you are paralyzed by a fear of dying, how can you come to terms with your cancer diagnosis? You have to be able to face death head on, accept the possibility of death from cancer, and move on! Otherwise the fear of death can cloud your judgment and interfere with rational thinking.

And those survival statistics? The ones that tell you how long you've got if you've got this cancer at that stage? My response -- forget about the F-ing survival statistics!!! Those statistics were created by "Man" (and by "Man" I mean the American Cancer Society, the medical community, the pharmaceutical industry, the research laboratories, the lawyers who show up when a cancer treatment causes "undisclosed side-effects" and "injuries" -- everyone who has a vested interest in the "treatment" of my cancer). Man wants us sick. Man wants us to believe that if we don't take their treatments -- chemo, radiation, surgery -- we will die. Man provides us with charts and statistics to instill panic, that fear of death, so that we become compliant.

These are the statistics I have been provided for my second journey with cancer, given the "known", single 4.5 cm tumor that has metastasized onto my liver:

If I do nothing -- if I refuse the chemo and the surgery -- I have been imposed a death sentence. I will not survive to the end of the year. I have something like 6-8 months.

If I agree to the chemo and the surgery, my treatment plan looks like this --

• Week One (January 25, 2017) -- Wear a portable chemo devise for 48 hours (Wednesday morning through Friday afternoon). These portable devises have been shown to be more effective and with less toxicity in clinical trials because the "life-saving" poison is introduced more slowly into the system, as opposed to all at once over 1-2 hours in an infusion rooms. Not sure yet how it's going to be moving about, showering, and sleeping with the bag; imagine it will take some getting used to.
• Week Two (February 1st) -- no chemo
• Week Three (February 8th) -- 48 hours on the portable devise
• Week Four (February 15th) -- no chemo
• Week Five (February 22nd) -- 48 hours on the portable devise
• Week Six (March 1st) -- no chemo
• Week Seven (March 8th) -- 48 hours on the portable devise
• Week Eight (March 15th) -- no chemo. CT Scan to determine if the chemo has shrunk the tumor enough for surgery. If not, more chemo. Otherwise, plan for surgery.

Then eight more weeks of chemo

Then live long and prosper, happily-ever-after, Amen.

There is, however, one caveat. If, during surgery, it is determined there are additional, hidden, previously undetected tumors on my liver, all bets are off. Multiple spots signify a certain death -- usually within 2-4 years, if I continue to receive chemo treatments.

So what do you do with all those ifs, ands, or buts, those maybes this and maybes that? In my opinion, when facing cancer -- indeed, when facing life! -- it is terribly important to have faith in a higher power. I cannot imagine facing any cancer diagnosis without an unwavering faith in God.

Even when life has been its roughest, even on those days when I wanted to die (and there have been plenty of those), even when I am angry at God for the challenges of this difficult life, I still, at my core, have believed three things:

• The length of my life is in God's hands. He has appointed my first breath and my last. Nothing I do can change this. (Job 14:5)
• Everything that happens to me is part of His plan for my life. (Romans 8:28) 
• Nothing is impossible with God. (Luke 1:37)

Sometimes I'm actively in tune with my beliefs. Like right now, as I write this post. Other times, I feel so far removed from spiritual truths that I doubt them, which is pretty much where I was a good portion of last week! It's all part of the journey, the ebb and flow of faith. And no matter how far I come, I never feel quite like I've completely arrived. That's part of the journey, too. Some of us get cancer and survive, some of us get cancer and die. Whatever our journey, with or without cancer, we're all headed to the same final destination. Death. Right? And there's absolutely nothing we can do to avoid it.

If death is one of your fears, I know of only one way to be free of it: Be in relationship with God. I'm not saying you have to join a church and turn into some kind of religious fanatic, but I am saying I believe a spiritual component is paramount to recovery. If your relationship with God is broken, or if you have never had a relationship with God, then just simply and sincerely ask for one. Say out loud, "God, I want a relationship with You!!! I want you to be with me through this cancer journey!! Then prepare yourself for His arrival. He will show up! When, how, where, I can't say. I just know for sure that He will.

I have always found praise music inspiring. Here are some of the songs that brought me closer to God and got me through my first bout with cancer -- and will keep me going through this second round. Enjoy!